Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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