Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
