I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
