were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
