The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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