the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
