hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
