I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i used baking grease as lip gloss
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
