I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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