I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
