Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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