why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
