why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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