Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
