Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you would pick up someone in the library
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In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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