She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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