He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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