Pants 0. Shit 1.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
