I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
