guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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