somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
