Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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