I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
