I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this beer tastes like vomit already
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
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My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint