i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That was an excessively violent trivia night
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.