I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
