Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize