if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
