I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
