I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
