I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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