Welp...herpes.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
