loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.