Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize