White coat. Heels.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
