Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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