I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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