omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
