tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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