I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
