I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
