I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
