I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
there is puke in my bra ... again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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