I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
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I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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