atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
