Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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