we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
