Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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