This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
