I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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