I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
