areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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