News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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