thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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