Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
