I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
