I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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