Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
