I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
