If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
