i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
