Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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