You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
