We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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