so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
