my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
