when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
