Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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