I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
